Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.
Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a
lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
A: Senator.
A: Senator.
A lawyer
boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a
blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box
and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was
holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a
very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about
what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say,
she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used
the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave
me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."
Not one hand went
up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.
Taking
his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of
you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon,
gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He
handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to
decide this case solely on its merits!"
The District Attorney was approaching the Suwanee River when
he noticed a sign, "Caribbean Cruise--$99.00". He stopped and bought
a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit him on the head, wrapped him in a rug and
threw him in the river.
The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the river.
The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State's Attorney, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise?"
The District Attorney replied, "They didn't last year!"
The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the river.
The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State's Attorney, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise?"
The District Attorney replied, "They didn't last year!"
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only
one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to
the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for applicants who had answered, "Yes," was "Why?" The lawyer answered it, "Never got caught."
The next question, intended for applicants who had answered, "Yes," was "Why?" The lawyer answered it, "Never got caught."
A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of
gas, and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are
only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."
So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.
The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."
So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front
of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of
the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it
wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer, "Where is my Rolex?"
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer, "Where is my Rolex?"
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.
A: The pronunciation.
